Our editor-at-large looks into his crystal ball (after cleaning it with Purell).
–Everything will be canceled.
-Hotels will slash their prices in an effort to entice locals to splurge on an overdue staycation.
–Congress will shut down (rejoice).
-Amazon will send thousands of lucky Prime members free toilet paper and hand sanitizers when they order Amazon products.
-Rage Against the Machine will do a free show at the Coliseum where Kaiser and the Children’s Hospital will administer free testing of the coronavirus — sponsored by Corona.
-Devin Nunes will sue the city of Wuhan, China. Their response: Come and take it.
-Once Congress reconvenes, weed will become legal nationwide to boost the dying economy.
-Mexico will close its border to the U.S. as a health precaution. Jajajajaja.
-Led Zeppelin finally reunites for an unforgettable concert in an intentionally-empty Coachella grounds. It turns out they just had stage fright.
-OutKast reunites after their 20-year-old tune “So Fresh, So Clean” makes a resurgence at the top of the Billboard charts.
– Netflix will offer their service free for two months because everyone is home and scared to go out to the movies.
– Streaking returns.
– Uber halts Pool rides for both passenger and driver safety. Lyft follows suit two weeks later.
– People stop paying attention to the Kardashians until one of them gets the sniffles in a very special episode.
– Oranges and flowers will be replaced by toilet paper and hand sanitizer by savvy roadside vendors.
– Somehow, the 405 will still be a nightmare.